Big Brother 13: 08.07.2011

Big Brother is back and Bukie Brendan’s gone buh-bye. Kalia is HOH, Rachel is crying again and Jeff is worried he has a target on his back now. Kalia’s barely been on the show except for her fake injury where the EMT had to come into the house. We’ll see how she acts now that she’s on top.

Oh jeez, crying Rachel music as she climbs in under a blanket with a hood on. Make it stop! Kalia and Daniele are gloating now that Kalia is HOH. Jeff, Jordan and Rachel are pissed at Porsche Turbo for putting Jeff vs. Shelly in the HOH competition. With the twist that Julie announced last time with the next evicted houseguest having a chance to return, strategies are up in the air.

Who wants to see Kalia’s HOH room? Nobody…but everyone pretends. Kalia is bawling…it’s actually nice to have someone besides Rachel crying in the house. Rachel is the first to talk to Kalia alone, natch. Rachel offers her the standard “you don’t nominate me this week, I won’t nominate you next week” deal. Kalia is intrigued because nobody expects them to work together.

Adam is finally shedding his elf costume, thankfully he’s wearing something under it as he strips down. Adametallica is back. Worst Big Brother “wear a costume for a week” ever? Maybe. Not sexy, not funny, not relevant to anything.

Kalia is thinking about putting Jeff and Rachel up on the block. But there’s the twist..Daniele says don’t worry about it and Kalia will do whatever the hell Daniele tells her to do like a good little puppet.

Have/Have Not competition, everyone has one of two colored bandanas and is dressed in like colors with protective nerd glasses on. There’s a huge martini lounge. Except instead of tasty liquors, it’s nasty food ingredients. Contestants have to make nasty concoctions and guess what the other person made.

Jeff vs. Lawon. They each named 2 ingredients out of 3 and then had to do a nasty chug off which Jeff dominates. Shelly vs. Porsche. Porsche puts onions in because she doesn’t know what they taste like. WTF? WTF? Really? Jeff gives Shelly the answer from the bench but she ignores him and loses to Porsche. Jordan vs. Daniele for the final round. Jordan nearly barfs it back up. It’s a chug-off! Daniele destroys the gagging Jordan, leaving Shelly, Rachel, Jeff and Jordan as Have-Nots for the week. The Have-Nots are getting coconut and catfish this week, plus Big Brother slop.

Shelly goes up to Kalia and tries to cut a deal to go final three with her and Daniele but really she’s playing both sides. Jordan tells Kalia not to put up Jeff even though Kalia says Jeff’s not the target because if Jeff or Rachel gets voted out and comes back they will come back with a vengeance. Jeff lays it the hell down to Kalia. He’s totally rattled her into thinking she’s digging her own grave by putting him up. He says put up a floater.

Time for the nomination ceremony. Why is that voting box so heavy looking? Adam is safe. Porsche is safe. Daniele is safe. Jordan is safe. Lawon is safe. Shelly is safe. As expected Jeff and Rachel are the two nominees. Kalia gives her bullshit speech and we’ll see what happens next episode.

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