Celebrity Apprentice 2011 ep01: Pepperoni Profit

Donald Trump is back with an even bigger cast of celebs this year. Lots of big names, virtually none of them need explanation who they except perhaps Nene Leakes and some random Playboy Playmate, both pushing the “celebrity” title a bit (yeah *I* know who Nene Leakes is but that’s thanks to my Bravo reality addiction). Trump gets right down to business and splits it up into men and women.

Gary Busey kicks it off in typically insane Busey fashion suggesting Sperm Farmers as the name. Richard Hatch is getting rejected and then playing the game hard observing everything, and they choose him to lead first probably because they’re scared he’s gonna strip down naked otherwise. The men end up choosing Backbone as team name.

Over on the women’s (plus Star Jones’ dog and Marlee’s translater dude) team they choose the name ASAP- artists, singers authors and professionals for a purpose. Nobody can remember it two seconds after they come up with it. Star gets pushed into being the leader because if she can wrangle in the large heads of Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, she can definitely handle these ladies.

With the names chosen the teams head to the boardroom, leaving the puppy alone. Don’t pee on the Trump carpet little dog or Don Junior’s gonna have to clean it up! Sign language guy is getting more air time than the anyone. LaToya can’t remember the team name, looking like a bad omen for them. Teams have to run a pizza joint and get a choice of Theater district versus the NYU area. Ladies choose the uptown location.

Hatch sets the priority as raising money and gets his team on the phone. Jose Canseco says he has no buddies with cash. Already it’s a clash over cash. Over at the pizza place, Hatch is pushing David Cassidy around, nobody respects a tiny former child star, right Gary Coleman?

ASAP heads to the pizza place and puts their oldest person on the credit card computer (Dionne Warwick), she has so much trouble, I think she’s half expecting it to say “you’ve got mail” before she heads over to Lycos to do a search.

Lil Jon, John Rich and Gary Busey are in charge of marketing for Backbone. Busey gives a crazy rant like he’s a preacher called the pepperoni profit. Seriously they don’t need anyone else on this show, just Busey and a camera. Hatch is brimming with confidence for the Ivanka visit (note: not pregnant on the show yet but looking happy).

Niki Taylor volunteers to be chef, love the way she handles the dough. Nene Leakes is working hard on the dough, and she better because she doesn’t have the power friends like the real stars. Star is keeping her hands clean by working with graphic design instead of food while Hatch also smartly stays clean by supervising everyone.

Meat Loaf is now sweating into the dough, uhmm yuck. Store opens and Busey is insaaaaane outside in his too small red suit. Lil Jon and John Rich making a scene, standing on vans, throwing pepperoni in the air while the ladies simply have Nene out there yelling; she’s the big mouth of the South and can be heard from 5 blocks away anyway. As expected Dionne can’t handle the register, people are finishing their food before they even get to the register; Star tries to take over but Dionne says no, that’s NOT what friends are for.

Hatch calls in all his reality buddies who bring in some big money- Ethan Zahn, Heidi Bressler, Jenna Morasca. John Rich gets a $15,000 slice sold. If you’re gonna be on Celebrity Apprentice, you gotta pre-call your rich peeps so they know to be ready with the cash- haven’t you people seen the show before celebs? Wendy Williams shows up, Russell Simmons all coming in for ASAP. Star Jones runs this town, her friend orders 40 pizzas at $1000 a piece.

Curtis Stone comes down as a surprise celebrity taster for a bonus prize of $35,000 to the better tasting pizza of the two teams. Mens team’s slice exhibit quite a bit of tip sag but he seems to like both. Picks the ladies and tells them to send 8 pies to the firehouse in Chelsea to get their prize.

Between the Curtis prize and the 40 pies, the girls are overwhelmed and Star decides to close the doors 2 hours before the task ends. Nene says ask if we can make less pies and the donor decides they just want one pie. Marlee Matlin and Lisa Rinna are stuck in traffic and need to get back to deliver the $40k pizza. Meanwhile Lil Jon and John Rich deliver a bunch of pies to Marc Ecko. Will the ladies beat the clock and traffic and get the big money pizzas delivered in time? YES! Sort of. They precariously balance that pricey ‘za on the receptionist counter- that’s 40g’s you’re leaving dangling there. They have no idea the other pizzas are worth almost as much and they don’t make it in time. Presumably the firefighters order in Chinese instead. Ruh roh Shaggy.

The men are shown raking in the “dough” selling numerous $1000 slices and big donations. David “smoke break” Cassidy’s daughter Kate comes down to give a grand.

In the boardroom, Star confronts Lisa Rinna about the delivery. While crazy Busey’s phone starts ringing, Marlee quips she didn’t hear it. Trump calls him a “piece of work”. He is literally insane. Hatch gets called out for pushing Cassidy around and then calls out Canseco for having a lack of intelligence. The woman’s team blew the men the hell away with over $100k and double what the men raised.

Jose confirms he wants to beat the shit out of Hatch. Get in line Jose. Busey confirms that he’s completely out of his freakin mind, doing the Profit schtick in the boardroom. Hatch calls Cassidy a little person. Cassidy says I’m not, I weigh 140 pounds (which according to my math is about what Canseco’s left bicep weighs). Hatch railroads over the meager mini-diva Cassidy and sends him packing. Cassidy- you’re fired!

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