Real Housewives of New Jersey: S03E01: In the Name of the Father

Real Housewives of New Jersey is back and Danielle is gone. So is the drama gone with her? Hell to the no Bobby as we find out in the first 10 seconds as Teresa and her brother Joe Gorga nearly get into a fistfight at his daughter’s christening.

Teresa mentions that they’ve had money problems and that now she’s the breadwinner thanks to her book Skinny Italian. Husband Joe is happy making pizzas and babies apparently.

Albie didn’t get into law school and now he and Chris are getting an apartment in Hoboken and Caroline is heartbroken. High floor, hardwood floors, terrace. Nice view boys! Great for “interviewing” strippers for your stripper car wash idea.

Jacqueline visits daughter Ashley at her internship. She’s working for publicist Lizzie Grubman and is still a total whiny entitled bitch. Lizzie says she doesn’t show up every day and Ashley tells Jacqueline that she wants an apartment in the city. Jacqueline and her husband set her straight and tell her to work hard cause we ain’t paying for shit girl- remember the car we just got you? She rolls her eyes so many times, I’m getting a headache.

Melissa, Teresa’s sister-in-law, aka the new girl is setting herself up as the sexy one, or so she thinks. She shows off her 15000 square foot house that her husband surprised her with one Christmas. Surprisingly way less gaudy then I thought it would be compared to the other housewives’ houses. I still spy a few questionable gold-leafed accessories in the background but really not too bad.

Teresa’s cousin Kathy is introduced, she is close to Melissa and Joe. Husband Rich is the token non-Italian on the show (Lebanese). Pedaling on her bike like Dorothy on her way to Oz, she picks up some groceries. You’re in Jersey, who rides a bike to the store? Her 14 year old son collects knifes (wtf?). You’re no Albie kid.

Caroline and Christopher have a lovely Cajun voice that’s just gibberish and only they can understand. Dude, it’s definitely time to move out when you have a secret language with your mom. The family proceeds to insult the entire South saying they only cook pasta from a box.

It’s the day of the christening we saw at the top of the show and everyone’s asking if Teresa’s coming since she’s not close to her brother Joe and Melissa. Topless shot of Teresa’s Joe as T struts around in blue zebra striped pajamas as she’s getting ready to go. Nothing says Jersey like colored zebra stripes. Nothing.

Teresa’s ready to go but Joe is futzing around in the garage with a wheelbarrow. At least he has a shirt on now. Joe says he can’t go to the church because he’s got the shits. Teresa’s on the verge of the runs too. TMI guys, TMI. Way TMI. Some of us do like to eat while we watch your show.

Dinner at Caroline’s, Lauren’s still with Vito and Caroline is pressuring him at the table to pop the question soon. He says he’s got a plan. Hmmm. Chris says he’s no longer going be working at the Brownstone but he doesn’t say what he’s going to be doing (stripper car wash?!?)

Teresa shows up late to the church. Melissa is pissed that Teresa’s Joe didn’t show up and that Gia isn’t there either. Melissa has issues with Teresa, saying she throws better parties and that Teresa just loves free food. T’s whole family shows up at the party and T’s brother Joe insults husband Joe because he won’t do a shot with them. Ok then. Brother Joe is doing shot after shot while the rage builds up. Yet another Joe is shown (the 8th Joe on the show for those counting) but he goes by Joey. Joey says that Joe Giudice owes him money and Brother Joe is pissed that Joe G. and Teresa are holding his baby.

Teresa goes over to congratulate her brother and he just goes off on her calling her garbage, pounds the table (no table flipping? what’s with this family and damaging tables anyway?) and takes a swing at Joe G. while dropping an obscene amount of obscenities yelling that Joe G. ruined his relationship with his father, meanwhile he’s nearly killed the just-had-two-bypasses father right there on the spot from all the excitement. All freaking hell is breaking loose, dudes getting held back and then breaking free, yelling, cursing, some stuff in Italian, and finally the whole Giudice family storming out.

Well the drama was certainly brought. Damn! This definitely is not one big happy family. Thank goodness for that. And unlike the fake just for TV Real Housewives style drama that Danielle created last year, this is the real deal stuff. It could get ugly. I hope it does.

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