Real Housewives of New Jersey: S03E07: Teresa’s Got a Gun

We’re continuing the sit down at Jacqueline’s house between Teresa and Melissa here. The whole argument is coming down to the Joes and money. Teresa says lets get a fresh start and gives her a hug. All seems good, except for maybe Jacqueline’s bizarre looking lips- what did she do?

Jacqueline is packing for Teresa’s trip to the Catskills, and by packing she means insane amounts of wine in massive bottles. Is that an entire suitcase just for wine? Then Chris opens up the gun safe and takes out a few rifles and puts them on the table with the hookah. What show are we watching again? Guns, wine and a hookah- welcome to Jersey.

Melissa is putting on her makeup with her obviously already made up sister, who is rolling her heavily made up eyes at any mention of Teresa.

Teresa leaves the kids with her parents, grabs her obnoxious leopard skinned luggage and takes off for the Catskills. It sounds like a lot of people and not a lot bathrooms will be there.

Kathy is talking to Rich about starting a dessert business. Rich says we can do more than that, let’s do a restaurant. Perhaps it’s the power of Rich’s thick glasses or thick Jersey accent but Kathy is instantly swayed from a little business into looking at big restaurant spaces.

Teresa, Joe, Chris and Jacqueline drive up the Catskills and arrive at the cabin which is filled with Guidice’s, mounted animals, and bigass rifles. Teresa’s playing with the rifle, I’m scared. She’s aiming it all over the house while multiple people are telling her to aim it up and away from people. No one is shot- yet. Joe’s father made a big meal and they’re all eating.

The wine is flowing and so is everyone’s big mouth, lot of sexy talk going on- the kind of things you probably wouldn’t want to reveal if members of your family are sitting there and oh- there’s a TV show filming. Seriously Teresa, TMI. 1:25am and they’re having a pizza making competition. The competition is fierce, Jacqueline is making a nutella pizza.

Top hat Kathy is going to look at restaurant spaces. She’s looking for a European type feel (which doesn’t really jive with her Debbie Gibson 1992 outfit).

Next morning in the cabin and TMI Teresa is showing off Joe’s vibrating wiener ring as we see them rolling around in bed and he slaps her ass. Outside they are butchering a pig and Joe and Teresa are shooting guns off a deck. Maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t invite the Gorga’s.

Caroline is driving up to the Catskills with super-tanned friend Delores and the two boys. They arrive to the sound of gunfire. Caroline’s in sweats, Teresa’s in some sort of full on Eskimo outfit. Caroline won’t let the boys ride quads because she had a friend who was decapitated on one of them. Wow, way to be a Debbie Downer Caroline.

Joe Giudice is a really good shot with the guns, hitting the targets. While the men are shooting guns, the ladies head into town to pick up a few things. The men take off on quads, which looks like a hell of a lot of fun.

Back in civilization (New Jersey), Joe Gorga is getting all grabby hand with Melissa because she’s wearing red. They head out to daughter Antonia’s holiday dance which is in some not-entirely-age-appropriate disco. Surprisingly the show is not a kids show but has a lot of weird senior citizens in the acts before she’s on. I don’t know how old she is but she’s got better moves than the old people out there.

In the cabin now, they bring in the whole hog which they’ve roasted up and Caroline is absolutely disgusted. She looks like she’s about the puke, which would make for some epic TV, btw. Unfortunately, or fortunately, she holds it in. Joe and Jacqueline enter into a split contest and impressively Joe can do a nearly full split. Dude is on fire this episode! Splits, shooting, ass-slapping- he does it all.

Some nighttime drunken four wheeling going on now and then they all head out to the the bar in town. They are so completely out of place in this redneck joint, it’s pretty funny. Teresa takes over the microphone because she like to be the center of attention.

Next morning and they’re all shooting guns again before heading to the chapel at the end of the driveway on their property. WTF? Caroline is hysterical laughing at the fact that they have a chapel on their property and has to step out to recompose. I think they probably should have prayed before shooting off all those guns and the drunken quad ride in the dark but that’s just how Jersey rolls in the Catskills. The end.

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