Real Housewives of New Jersey: S03E09: ‘Twas the Fight Before Christmas

It’s Christmas time on the Real Housewives of New Jersey and the Guidices are decorating their enormous tree, I guess because their mansion has such high ceilings they can do it- Joe’s up on a 238 (est.) foot tall ladder. If they weren’t bankrupt before, the tree ought do it. Teresa’s stressing about being in the papers all the time. Joe spent 10 days in the pokey on a drunk driving offense and now they’re bankrupt. or not.

Meanwhile over at the Gorga mansion they have two trees- a giant one and a smaller fake one. The smaller one is like ginormous, the camera never even pans to the top. It also never shows the real one so we’ll have to take Melissa’s word on this one.

At the Larita mansion, it’s Ashley’s birthday and Jacqueline bought her some jewelry to protect her while she drives her real gift- the car they bought for her while she sat there and ungratefully texted away.

Chris, Albie, and Lauren are out to dinner at some wackass theme park looking Japanese restaurant. Super-roomate Greg is there too, probably to pick up the tab for everyone. Tall Greg is by far one of the best peripheral Real Housewives people ever. Ashley’s coming in her new Jeep for her birthday dinner. There’s some impressive hibachi action gong on and Ashley is (surprise!) texting away the whole time. Jacqueline forces her to put it down long enough so everyone can toast to her.

“Fabolous Fred” shows up to see the hat-wearing Joe and Melissa who reminds us again that it’s Jesus’ birthday. Maybe Jesus will get a Jeep this year too like Ashley. Fab (5) Freddy is planning their big holiday birthday. Fred says it’s gonna cost more if you don’t want fat servers. Really? Dude, you know you’re on TV, right? That’s gotta be some sort of labor law violation or whatever. Anyway, he quotes them 50g’s for the party. But it’s ok, they’re raising money for charity. How about donating 50g’s to charity? How about donating the word “g’s” to charity, Fabulo Fred because you sound ridiculous calling it that?

Kathy, Rich and her kids are getting their house decorated for Christmas too. He’s hired a crew to set up the lights outside their mansion. Kathy’s setting up feather’s and a cat on top of their tree…uhmmm ok that’s just weird and kind of creepy. Stick with creating complete overkill showoff dessert tables Kathy.

Caroline and Albert are jewelry shopping. Caroline’s got something special planned for the kids- which looks like bracelets for with links representing the three kids. Albert wants one too. It looks kinda girly, Albert.

Fabulous Freddy is having an ice sculpture of Joe and Melissa being carved outside while Teresa’s got her personal stylist getting her ready for the party. She’s pissed that Melissa “stole” her stylist (who is in the house now getting Melissa ready). Jealous much Teresa?

This Gorga party is a major thing with roulette table, costumed carolers (beautifully dressed says Melissa, and by that she means they look like the 4 weird kids who joined the school’s drama club and there was no real part for them because they suck so they are dressed up in some stock 1800’s costumes that are used in every school play no matter what and given a scene to stand in the background and look busy), a red carpet with photographers and a library room just for presents to be donated. Super Greg compares it to the Bellagio.

O.M.G. the money at the roulette table has Joe and Melissa’s picture on it- Gorga Money. Joe Gorga calls Kathy a hot slut. Rich says don’t call your cousin a slut, I’ll throw you on top of that gawdy ice sculpture of yourself. Joe Guidice doesn’t want to go, but gives a good practice roundhouse kick in the garage to show what he’s a gonna do if any a one of them says something.

Now Melissa takes a MICROPHONE! to address the party. She has a microphone! Luckily she doesn’t use it to “gift” us with her singing. It’s nearly 10pm and the party was for 8 and Teresa’s just showing up. Kathy goes over to Teresa to say hi and Teresa does that fake sincerity talking through her teeth thing. T’s still being a bitch to her.

Melissa’s brother in law tries to start shit with Joe Giudice again saying that he owes him $1000. Roundhouse kick! Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Unfortunately Joe just tries to walk away without going all Swayze on his ass. Melissa tells him to leave it for now, not at my party.

And now drama queen Kim “G” shows up with Monica Chacon, the woman suing Teresa who T went off on in court. Kim G loves to stir up trouble, she’s kind of a bitch but you have to feel bad for her- clearly she is looking for air time. Melissa pulls “G” aside and tells her to give Monica the boot- Kim “G” says “I can’t do that”. What?! Jacqueline confronts her and says why are you starting shit. This the second time in two weeks that Jacqueline has told her to shut the f up. Break out your thinking caps because I’m about to drop an analogy on you: Kim G is to Jacqueline as Danielle is to Ashley. Monica is escorted out.

Well the Real Housewives of the NJ are definitely in the Christmas spirit.

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